The Dobby Files
by Lemon-Lime328
Summary: CHAPTER 5 FINALLY ADDED! Dobby comes to stay with Harry after Harry's 2nd year at Hogwarts, and is constantly driving Harry insane. Rated PG for some violence and gore. R&R Please!
1. Chapter 1: The Rude Awakening

DISCLAIMER: We do not own the characters of Harry Potter, nor do we want to. We are not trying to make a profit through this story, we are just trying to entertain ourselves, and hopefully you.

The Dobby Files

Genesis: The Beginning of The Dobby Files

Chapter 1: The Rude Awakening

It was the summer after Harry's second year at Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. For Harry, his second year had been a rather exciting one. He had transformed into one of Draco Malfoy's sidekicks, saved the life of Ron's sister, Ginny, found a journal that incredibly absorbed the ink from his own pen and wrote back to him, visited a GIGANTIC spider (much to Ron's displeasure), killed the Basalisk (his most celebrated accomplishment so far), and met..._Dobby_.

_"Dobby,_ the fly in my soup. _Dobby,_ the eyelash in my eye. _Dobby, _the papercut on my finger. _Dobby, _the rain on my parade. DOBBY! Just the mention of his name causes me to shudder in disgust and almost go insane. Yes, I would definitely say that evil takes its house elf form in..._Dobby._"

The above paragraph is how Harry thinks almost 24/7. Pretty sad, huh? You're probably thinking, "Jeez! If Harry hates Dobby THIS much, then why the heck did he free him from Lucious???" Well, my friends, Harry asks himself the same question every single day. Most of the time, even twice a day! Maybe for that one second, Harry mustered up a little sympathy, if you will, for the pillow case clothed, poor grammar using, lowly educated, self abusive, and downright stupid little house elf. Or maybe not.

But now, we find Harry in his bed. Wildly tossing, turning, screaming, and drenched in sweat. Guess who he's dreaming about? Surprise, it's DOBBY! Bet you would've never guessed that! Harry is awoken by the sound of his own shrieks of terror. He bolts upward in his bed, heavily breathing, and tries to wipe the sweat from his brow between gasps for air. He tries to pick up his glasses, but his hands are so slick from the sweat that they slip out of his clutches.

Suddenly, Harry remembers why he is awake. A bad dream. Harry buries his head in his hands and begins to cry. It's a mild type of weep at first, but pretty soon Harry is full-out bawling. When Harry finally finishes weeping, he rubs his eyes and notices a blurry figure about 2 feet tall standing on the bed in front of him. "Why is Harry Potter so sad?" The figure questions Harry. "I had a terrible dream" Harry began, "Dobby was everywhere. Every time I thought I was rid of him, he always appeared right in front of me. I tried to outrun him, I couldn't. I tried to out-hide him, but I was no match. And in the end there were...a million Dobbys!" Harry took a huge gasp of air. "There there, 'twas only a dream. You're back in the safety of reality." The figure tried to soothe Harry. "At least Dobby isn't here now. I have no idea what I would do then. I mean, I'm a wreck right now from just dreaming of Dobby. Imagine me if I actually saw Dobby. Yes, at least Dobby isn't here now." Harry thought he was feeling better. The figure in front of him shifted its posture. "But Harry Potter, Dobby is here." The blurry figure said.

At first, there was a moment of silence. Harry tried to comprehend what was happening at that very moment. One million thoughts were flooding Harry's mind per second. Harry tried to speak all these thoughts at once, and ended up sounding like a spastic fool. "But Dobby...he couldn't be...I thought he was...I thought I was...it couldn't be...I can't believe...this is just...SAFETY OF REALITY!" Then, Harry, the poor babbling freak, blacked out.

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Chapter 2 coming soon! 


	2. Chapter 2: The Second Rude Awakening

Chapter 2: The Second Rude Awakening

It was several hours later that Harry woke up from his black out. Harry's eye lids slowly opened, partially glued down by the crusty stuff that forms on our eyes while we sleep. For some reason, Harry had twice the amount of crusty stuff on his eyelids than he normally had. He also noticed that he now had his glasses on. When his eyes were fully open, Harry noticed Dobby's green, pencil-like nose just inches from his own face. His first intention was to grab the nose and rip it free from the head of the stupid house elf. Oh how sweet it would be to see Dobby screaming in pain and agony with his nose detached from his face; It would almost amount to the pain that Dobby had caused Harry. But Harry had second thoughts, he would first ask Dobby why he was here, WHY HE WAS HERE TO RUIN HIS LIFE!!!

"Dobby..." Harry said through gritted teeth, "...WHY are you here?!" Harry noticed that he was lying on his back on the ground, and Dobby was now lying on Harry's stomach with his feet in the air and using his fists to prop his head up. "Well, sir...it's hard for Dobby to say sir..." Dobby began. "JUST TELL ME!" Harry interrupted. "Nobody else wanted Dobby to stay with them. Can you believe it?" Dobby said. "Shock of the century..." Harry muttered under his breath. "What did Harry Potter say? Dobby is a trifle deaf in his left ear, so speak up next..." Dobby began to say, but Harry interrupted yet again "Oh nothing." "Well, Harry Potter, can Dobby stay with you? Just for the summer..."

Dobby trailed off. Harry was about to immediately scream "_NO WAY_" at the top of his lungs, but he caught himself and started thinking it over, while staring into the face of the wide-eyed little monster. _"If Dobby stayed here, he would think of me as his ally, which is far from true. He would also drive me crazy, and possibly insane. But, if he stayed here I could finally achieve my long anticipated goal...to DESTROY DOBBY! Yes! Then I wouldn't have to think about him ever again, and I could FINALLY sleep at night!"_ Then, a toothy grinch-like grin stretched across his face. "Yes, Yes Dobby, You can stay with me..." Harry said in a creepy voice. "WHOOOOPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" Dobby squealed. Then he lept forward and gave Harry a big kiss on the lips. Outraged, Harry started choking and wiping his mouth in desperate attempts to clean himself from Dobby's germs. "DOBBY! Shut up and NEVER do that EVER again!!!!!!!!!!" Harry Bellowed. "As Harry Potter wishes, sir." Dobby says. "Oh, and Dobby, I was thinking about letting you sleep in one of the drawers in my dresser, but I changed my mind. Now, you're sleeping in the closet." Dobby shrugged. "It's better than where I slept at my last home..." "Where did you sleep?" Harry asked. "In the oven." Dobby replied. "What?! Was is off?" asked Harry. "Only on Thursdays, from 12am to 4am. It grew so terribly hot, sir. Like a sauna you're trapped in!"

Suddenly, Uncle Vernon's thundering voice interrupted Harry and Dobby's conversation. "HARRY! Come downstairs and make us breakfast, maggot! We're hungry and if you don't hurry, we'll be late for Dudley's liposuction appointment!" Harry rolled his eyes at this announcement. He turned toward Dobby and said "I have to go fix breakfast. Hide in the closet until I get back!" Then Harry strolled downstairs to fix breakfast for his relatives.


	3. Chapter 3: Breakfast & The First Attempt...

DISCLAIMER: We do not own the rights or characters to the following movies which are spoofed in this chapter: Harry Potter, A Bug's Life, and Dodgeball. We don't own the rights or the characters to the following books which are spoofed in this chapter: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, and Harry Potter. We also don't own any of these brand-name products: PineSol, Lime-A-Way, and Clorox Cleaning Gel.

Chapter 3: Breakfast & The First Attempt of Murder

Harry was flipping pancakes on the skillet for his plumpish, whale of a cousin, Dudley. "Put some more chocolate chips into that batter, dear cousin." Dudley said in a voice that sounded much like Heimlich the caterpillar from A Bug's Life. _"Jeez, Dudley already weighs more than Uncle Vernon, and he's only 13!!!"_ Harry thought. "Dudley, aren't you on the grapefruit diet?" Harry questioned Dudley. "No." Dudley said with his mouth full of sausage and chocolate chip pancakes, "I'm on the salmon diet now. I don't start on the grapefruit diet until to fourth book." "What?!" Harry asked, confused. "Oh, nothing." Dudley said.

Harry finished flipping pancakes, frying sausage, scrambling eggs, and pouring coffee for his family. He finally grabbed the last plate and put on to it what was left for him of breakfast (a sausage only half eaten by Dudley, because he realized it was fat-free. And a pancake that had been dropped on the floor and had a few hairs sticking to it) and sat down at the table.

Dudley was now eating anything he can find, trying to savor his last few moments of weighing more than a new born whale. He was stuffing huge whole grapefruits into his gigantic mouth, and pouring flour and molasses in to top it all off. "Dudley, you're going to gain 50 more pounds just from breakfast!" Harry said, disgusted. "Stupid Harry, that's what liposuction is for!" Dudley replied in an I-told-you-so voice. Harry just rolled his eyes at this remark.

Uncle Vernon then entered the room, wearing hand-me-down clothes from Dudley (yes, that's how fat Dudley was now). "Well boy, are you ready for your trip to the plastic surgeon?" Uncle Vernon asked Dudley, while playfully punching his shoulder (more like punching the flab on his shoulder). "NO!" Dudley wailed, like a four year old throwing a fit, "Fat is good! Fat is good!" Dudley began chanting, but quickly ran out of breath from his lack of exercise. "Well, you know how you no longer fit in the passenger seat of our car? Petunia and I measured the trunk, and it looks like you wouldn't fit in there either. So, we removed the two back seats and we reckon you should be able to just about fit now. It might be a little uncomfortable, and you will have to take your shirt off but I know my little Soldier Dudley will manage!" Uncle Vernon finished in a proud, father-like voice.

"Um, Uncle Vernon..." Harry began. Uncle Vernon rolled his eyes at Harry. "Hmmph, what is it boy?" He asked in a disgusted voice. "I...I was just wondering..." Harry started, but was interrupted by Uncle Vernon, "Hurry up, Potter, Dudley isn't getting any thinner!" "Where do you keep the shotgun?" Harry asked. Uncle Vernon was too busy fixing Dudley's bow-tie and slicking down Dudley's giant mound of hair to give any thought as to why he should answer Harry's question. "In the cleaning closet behind the PineSol container." Uncle Vernon said, then he quickly came to his senses. "Why do you ask?" "Oh, no reason. I just thought I should know where the shotgun was so I could shoot a door-to-door salesman if one happens to come by..." Harry said. "Well, good for you Harry. That's the first good idea you've had since you were born!" Uncle Vernon replied.

"Well Dudley, time to go!" Uncle Vernon said in a cheery, sing song voice to Dudley. "I DON'T WANNA! I WANNA BE FAT FOREVER" Dudley yelled at the top of his lungs, which was such a strain on him that he passed out. "Awww, little tyke. He's worn out!" Uncle Vernon said. Then loaded Dudley into a large grocery cart and started wheeling him out the door. Just before the door shut, Uncle Vernon poked his head in and sneered at Harry, "I'd better see a dead salesman when I get home, boy!" And with that, he slammed the door.

As soon as Harry heard the latch on the door click, he bolted upstairs to the cleaning closet. Then, he threw open the closet door, grabbed the shot gun, loaded it, and walked into his room where Dobby was. He walked over to his closet and opened the door. Dobby stumbled out and started gasping for breath. "Harry Potter sir, it is SO hard to breathe in there! Dobby almost DIED!" Dobby gasped. "Oh, I forgot to mention, that's an air-tight closet." Harry shrugged, like it was no big deal (he was trying to kill Dobby, after all!). "There was no doorknob on the other side, Harry Potter sir!" Dobby said. "But I know Harry Potter would NEVER do something to hurt Dobby!" Dobby finished with a grin. Harry put on a fake smile "Uh... yeah... not you Dobby...never!"

Dobby then realized that Harry was holding a shot gun. "Harry Potter sir, Dobby wonders why Harry Potter is holding a gun." Dobby said. Harry looked down at the shotgun. "Oh, I almost forgot! We're going to...play a game!" Harry said while a sly grin formed across his face. Suddenly, Dobby's eyes became as big a tennis balls and he started jumping up and down like a hyperactive 6 year old with ADD. "YIPEEEEE!!! A game! A game! A game! Dobby LOVES games! Dobby hopes he wins! Yay! A game! A game! A game! Let's play!" Dobby was going crazy. "Calm down Dobby, Calm down! You have to know what type of game we're playing and the rules of the game before we actually play it!" Harry said, while keeping Dobby still by putting his hands on Dobby's shoulders, but Dobby was still vibrating. "What game does Harry Potter wish to play?" Dobby asked. "Well, have you ever heard of the game dodge ball?" Harry asked Dobby, half expecting Dobby to not know what he was talking about. "Yes, Harry Potter sir, Dobby has seen the movie! Ben Stiller makes Dobby laugh so much..." "Yes, the game we're going to play is exactly like dodge ball. Except instead of me trying to hit you with balls, I'm going to try to shoot you with my gun." Harry slowly explained. "So Dobby is going to dodge the bullets from Harry Potter's gun?" Dobby tried to piece together the information inside his mostly hollow skull. "That's right, Dobby!" Harry said. "But what it Dobby misses? Will Dobby get shot and _gulp_ DIE?" Dobby asked. "No, because this is a BB gun! If you get shot, the BB's will just bounce off of you and you won't get hurt!" Harry lied. "OK! Then Dobby will play!" Dobby announced gleefully while clapping his hands.

Harry loaded the gun and aimed it at Dobby. "Here it comes Dobby." Warned Harry. BANG! But Dobby quickly moved out of the bullet's path. It went on like this till Harry ran out of ammo. Harry was pretty frustrated by now, as you could imagine. "Did Dobby win Harry Potter sir, did he?" asked a very hopeful Dobby. "Yes" Harry replied, dumbfounded with disbelief "You won." "Does Dobby get a PRIZE for winning?" Dobby asked, still very hopeful.

Then Harry got an Idea! An _awful idea!_ HARRY POTTER GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! "Yes, Dobby. You get a prize. Stay here, I'll go get it for you right now..." Harry said, slyly. Then he trotted off to the cleaning closet. First, he replaced the gun where it had been in front of the PineSol. Then, he started looking for Dobby's "prize"._ "Hmm...what can I feed him...?" _Harry thought._ "Lime-a-way? Nah...Clorox Cleaning Gel? Oh, Nontoxic, too bad. A HAH!"_ Harry picked up a box of rat poison. _"I'll give this to Dobby ...hehehe"_ Harry went back to his room.

"Dobby, I'm back!" Harry said rather merrily. "Ooh! Ooh! Did Harry Potter get Dobby a prize? Did he? Did he? Did he?" Dobby went back into hyperactive 6 year old mode. "DOBBY, JEEZ! I'm not giving it to you if you don't stay still!" Harry shouted. This made Dobby automatically sit down on the dusty floor. Harry grabbed a couple of rat poison pellets from the box behind his back. "Alright Dobby, hold out your hand!" Harry said with a hint of fake enthusiasm in his voice. Dobby reached out his hand, and Harry placed the pellets into it. Dobby just stared at them with a puzzled look on his face. "Dobby wonders what this is..." Dobby said. "It's candy." Harry said. "Candy?" Dobby said, confused. "Yes candy! You're supposed to eat it!" Harry replied, annoyed. _"Wow, Dobby is even stupider than I thought!"_ Harry thought. And with that, Dobby shoved the rat pellets into his mouth-which was rather large for a creature of his size.


	4. Chapter 4: Well, in the House Elf World

Author's Note: This chapter was kind of late because of school starting, sorry!

Chapter 4: Well, in the House Elf World...

Harry happily watched as Dobby slowly chewed the rat poison in his mouth. "So Dobby, how do you like it?" Harry asked. Just then, Dobby started hyperventilating uncontrollably while clutching his throat. His eyes-now bloodshot-turned from tennis ball sized, to basket ball sized, to football sized and shaped, and quickly to marble sized. Blood leaked from his ears, and his mouth started foaming, and quickly the foam turned into vomit. His skin turned from a greenish-brown to an albino paper white. A muffled explosion sounded in Dobby's lower stomach, and the bottom of his pillowcase turned yellow. Dobby made a gurgling sound, and then dropped, motionless, among the vomit and blood.

Harry stood in front of Dobby's motionless carcass, staring down on it, speechless at his own work. He stared at Dobby's motionless little body the way people in movies stare at their hands right after they've killed someone. "I...can't...believe..." Harry started in a solemn voice. "I can't believe...DOBBY'S _FINALLY_ DEAD!" Harry yelled triumphantly. "I thought it would NEVER happen! This is the HAPPIEST moment of my LIFE! I have won! I Have Won! I HAVE WON! _I HAVE WON!_" Harry was very excited about his great accomplishment, as you could probably tell.

Harry was so busy with yelling "I HAVE WON!" that he didn't notice Dobby suddenly spring up from his final resting place on the ground. "Ooh Ooh! What did Harry Potter win? Dobby and Harry Potter are both winners! Yay! Dobby started yelling. As soon as Harry heard the sound of Dobby's voice, he spun around to face the little monstrosity, only to find that Dobby was alive and kicking. "DOBBY!" Harry exclaimed "I THOUGHT YOU WERE _DEAD!!!_" "Dead?! No!!! Dobby was just faking a seizure! It is polite in the house elf tradition to perform a fake seizure after someone has fed you a very delicious food. And if you thought the food was very very delicious, you pretend to die at the end for a few minutes. It's only polite, Harry Potter sir." Dobby finished in an as-a-matter-of-fact voice. Harry just stood there, slack jawed, and speechless. "But...but...I fed you _rat poison_! That was supposed to _kill_ you!" Harry said, more to himself than to Dobby. "Rat poison is considered a delicacy in the house elf world. Dobby thinks it is the BEST, Harry Potter sir." Dobby informed Harry. Harry still just _could not_ believe it. "So the eye size changing, the blood coming from your ears, the vomiting, that was all voluntary?" Harry asked. "Yes, Harry Potter sir. Does Harry Potter want to see Dobby do it again? "No, no Dobby. Excuse me for a moment while I use the restroom..." Harry walked to the bathroom and shut the door.

"WHAT THE !#$!!!!" Harry was shouting. "I'M GONNA !#% HIS $'n %&&%!!!! THAT LITTLE #$%#!!!! #%&(&)(&#%!$#&&&)$$#!!#$#&&(#$%##$&%&%&$%$&%$#%$$%$#? :"{{}&$%##$% ?: &&%&%&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

(It goes on like this for another 15 minutes).

Harry finally ended his cursing streak, and went back into his room, only to find that Dobby was missing, and there was twice the amount of vomit, foam, and blood on the ground than when he had left the room. He started searching his room, but Dobby was no where in sight. "Dobby, if you're playing with my invisibility cloak, it's not funny!!!" Harry yelled to an empty room, his only reply was an eerie silence. He may not have found Dobby, but he did find a very sharp knife on the ground that was covered in a red liquid (Harry suspected it was blood). Harry was then interrupted by the sound of the door swinging open. "HARRY? WHERE ARE YOU?" Uncle Vernon roared. "I'm up here, Uncle Vernon." Harry yelled back. _"They've only been home for a few seconds and he's already mad at me!"_ Harry thought. Uncle Vernon stormed upstairs to Harry's doorway. "HARRY!!! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU I'D...better...see..." Uncle Vernon's eyes widened when he saw all the vomit, foam, and blood on the ground of Harry's room. But then they widened even more when he saw the knife in Harry's hand, covered in what highly resembled blood. Harry just stood there, with a look on his face that just screamed "Uh-Oh". "Harry...you actually killed a door-to-door salesman?" Uncle Vernon asked, his tone full of disbelief. "Uh...yeah." Harry said. There was an akward silence. "You know, it's a lot easier than they make it look in movies." Harry said to break the silence. Uncle Vernon still just stood there, his mouth wide open.

"Father, can you take me to McDonald's?" whined a very skinny Dudley who came up behind Uncle Vernon, but stopped in is tracks once he saw Harry's room. "Harry..." Dudley started, but couldn't finish because Uncle Vernon was pulling him away.

As soon as Uncle Vernon and Dudley were gone, and as soon as Harry closed the door to his bedroom, Harry's closet door shot open and Dobby stepped out. Harry noticed Dobby had changed out of his old pillow case, which had vomit stains and was yellow all over the front, and was now wearing a sweater that was meant for dogs(but was still a little big for Dobby) and a pair of briefs(those fit-thank goodness!). "Uh, Dobby, where did you get those clothes?" Harry asked, confused. "At House Elves 'R' Us!" Dobby exclaimed. "How did you get there?" Harry was still confused. "Through your closet. Dobby travels through closet in the House Elf world." Dobby explained. "You're weird, Dobby." Harry said. "Weird is considered a compliment in the House Elf World." Dobby replied. "Well, in this world it's bad." Harry said. "Bad is good in the House Elf world!" Dobby replied. "Dobby, shut up!" Harry was getting annoyed. "Shut up means 'keep talking' in the House Elf world!" Dobby exclaimed. "DOBBY! QUIT TALKING ABOUT 'THE HOUSE ELF WORLD'! I'M SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT!!!" Harry lost his cool for a moment.

"Oh. And how do you explain this?" Harry asked as he held up the knife he had found on the ground earlier. "Dobby was using them to cut up tomatoes for the invitations! Tomatoes are considered a delicacy in the House Elf world. Not as much as rat poison, though..." "Then why didn't you just use rat poison?" Harry interrupted. "Dobby ate the rest of it, Harry Potter sir." Dobby said. _"So that would explain how there was twice the amount of vomit, foam, and blood on the ground..."_ Harry realized. "Wait a minute...INVITATIONS? FOR WHAT?" Harry wanted to know. "For the 32nd Tri-Annual International Conference of the House Elf Species. T.A.I.C.H.E.S., for short. It is Dobby's turn to host it this year, and I chose HARRY POTTER'S house for the gathering place! This year, we are expecting AT LEAST 200 house elves to show up! Dobby was going to tell Harry Potter, but Dobby wanted to keep it a surprise!" Dobby announced, with a grin. "200 house elves...in MY house?!" This was almost too much for Harry. "I hate you, Dobby!" Harry said. "Hate is GOOD in the House Elf world!" Dobby said happily. And then Harry passed out.


	5. Chapter 5: TAICHES

You've been waiting (and waiting...and waiting...and waiting) and it's finally here! It's taken us so long because we've been caught up with schoolwork. Sorry this chapter is so short, we promise the next one will be much longer. Now, enjoy...

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The Dobby Files Chapter 5: T.A.I.C.H.E.S. 

Harry finally awoke, but he still had his eyes closed. _"Ok, It was all a dream...Now, I will open my eyes and things will be back to normal...Uncle Vernon will still hate me...Dudley will still be fat...and Dobby will NOT be here..._

He opened his eyes and saw...nothing. He was still in his bed, in his house, and Dobby was nowhere to be seen. "Dobby?" Harry called. "Dobby...are you there?" Harry opened his closet, but this time no oxygen starved house elf came stumbling out. "Dobby?" Harry called down the hallway, just to be sure. Silence. "YES!" Harry yelled, "IT WAS ONLY A DREAM!!!!! WOOOHOOOOOO!!!"

Ok, now come on. What kind of a fan fiction writer would I be if I let the story end like THIS, without Dobby dying a slow and terrible death, huh? I'll answer that question- NOT A VERY GOOD ONE! Muahahahaha...keep reading...

Then Harry realized he really had to use the bathroom-as most of us have to first thing in the morning- so he rapidly walked down the hallway to the bathroom. As he stood outside the bathroom door, he thought he heard a faint murmur coming from inside the bathroom, but he figured he had just imagined it. He slowly turned the doorknob...eased the door open...and...

Poor Harry. He had actually gotten his hopes up.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Harry rubbed his eyes with disbelief as he looked out at what was-or at least what used to be-his bathroom. He saw a sea at least 250 green house elves, each looking up at him with those atrocious, repulsive, revolting eyes. Every house elf looked like it was somehow formally dressed, and Harry could see a punch bowl set up in the back of the bathroom.

Suddenly the lights turned off, and a hush fell over the crowd. Some spotlights turned on and Harry noticed that the bathtub had been converted into an orchestra pit. A percussionist house elf started a drum roll on the tympani drum, which cued an unseen announcer. "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the_ insert echo here_ 32nd _32nd_ Tri-Annual _Tri-Annual_ International _International_ Conference of _Conference of_ The House Elf Species _The House Elf Species_!!!" There was a cymbal crash from the orchestra, followed by a cheery medley (which didn't sound very good because the brass section was WAY out of tune, and half of the whole orchestra was oboes). The audience clapped and cheered, Harry just stood there.

The orchestra fell silent again. "And now, introducing your host for the evening, the one, the only, DOBBY!" The announcer bellowed. This was followed by yet another drum roll, cymbal crash, and medley (Harry was beginning to think that this was all the orchestra knew how to do). The spotlight shone on to the medicine cabinet, and Dobby stepped out, wearing a purple suit. He made his way to a miniature podium, which was set up on the counter in front of the sink. "Fellow friends and house elves, Dobby is honored to be the host for this year's T.A.I.C.H.E.S. gathering! You see..."

And then, Harry had had enough.

"**_DOBBY!_**" Harry yelled from the doorway. **_"WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ME WHAT THE FLIP IS GOING ON?"_** Everyone turned and looked at Harry. "Oh yes, how silly of Dobby, Dobby almost forgot to introduce Harry Potter! Friends, this is Harry Potter! Harry Potter is letting us use this bathroom as our gathering place!" Everyone started clapping and cheering for Harry, and the orchestra began to play a rather deranged version of what Harry guessed was supposed to be "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow".

Harry slammed the door and stomped back into his room. He checked the clock; it was only 3:40 am. _"I've got to find a way to get rid of all those house elves before Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and Dudley wake up...but how?"_ Harry figured his best bet was to search the supply closet once again.

Harry opened the door to the supply closet. All of the sudden, Harry got another one of his sinister ideas. He remembered the punchbowl he had seen set up at the back of the room. _"I know...I could somehow spike the punch to KILL all-or at least most of-the house elves and maybe even DOBBY!"_ Harry grinned in delight at the thought of his diabolical plan. _"Now, what can I poison it with? I can't use rat poison, obviously. Let's see...A-HAH!"_ Harry held up the container of Lime-A-Way. Then, he walked to the bathroom and opened the door.

The house elves were too busy watching Dobby giving the treasurer's report that they barely noticed Harry slyly sneaking in. He made his way to the punch bowl, opened the Lime-A-Way, and...

"Why HARRY POTTER, Dobby sees you have decided to join us after all! But, what is Harry Potter doing by the punch bowl?" Dobby said. "Uhh..." Harry quickly said the very first thing that popped into his mind "...I was washing my hands!" Harry quickly poured all of the contents of the Lime-A-Way bottle into the punch and put on a fake smile. And wouldn't you know it...ALL of the 250 house elves were stupid enough to believe him. "Let's give Harry Potter a big round of applause for being so CLEAN! Even though Harry Potter was washing his hands with the punch we are going to drink." Dobby announced. Then, all the house elves turned to face Harry and started clapping. Harry couldn't believe this. _"Man, they're stupid!" _Harry thought while condensing yet another fake smile.

"Let's see, Dobby just gave the treasurer's report, and according to the schedule next we have to...DRINK ALL THE PUNCH!" Dobby exclaimed. Harry moved away from the punch bowl when he saw the massive crowd of house elves running towards it. Harry gladly watched as house elf after house elf after house elf poured themselves punch. "Excellent" Harry said, sounding much like Mr. Burns.


End file.
